Thursday, March 10, 2016

Canadian Company Lands in India With Many Job Openings...

"Canadian company lands in India with many job openings"

Now those seeking a job vacancy have another tool. The Canadian company launched its newest version in India. 

The Neuvoo that has global knowledge in the field knows to look for a vacancy is one of the most stressful aspects of a candidate. Thus the Neuvoo optimized these job openings that are scattered on the internet so you do not miss out on search time. Therefore several job vacancies from various web-sites and companies are aggregated into a single portal, all to make life much easier candidates.

Neuvoo platform is newly arrived in India and already added more than 740,000 jobs available already and listed on our website from different companies. Neuvoo is basically a Google of free jobs.

Now it will not go more than a few minutes instead of hours searching the web for a job opening. Another distinguishing feature of Neuvoo is, in addition to thousands of jobs for you, no paperwork is required to apply, let alone having to pay to view the desired position.

You know you're looking for a better job, looking for an internship job in a good company or simply your first job, you can find here: Neuvoo

Do not spend more time, days and even weeks looking for a job on the internet. Already visit the newness of the job search market in India and get the job before your competitor.
The India welcome Neuvoo and we wishes good luck to all applicants!"

Job Search with neuvoo:

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Sunday, March 18, 2012

5 Feet 5 Inches....

Ten is greater than eleven, Disagree?

Well, take a paper, pen and write “I disagree; Ten is not greater than eleven”… even if you feel lazy to follow it, just remember this sentence, I will be asking you again.

There are few things which we the human beings will give more importance to. Apart from food, cloth, shelter and some other basic needs, we will consider few things as CONSTITUTIVE. Be it politics, entertainment or whatever. Undeniable fact is that, we the human beings will consider few entities as an essential one.
If it is Chess for Russians and football for Europe and all along with a billion and counting population, you and me must shout “ It's Cricket for India”.
There are some unexplained phenomenon which revolves along the earth, I must say”Craze for Cricket among Indians” will be one of the unexplained mystery. That’s a different part; let’s not discuss why Indians are Cricket maniacs.
Plainly speaking, Cricket is a sport played between two teams, which consists 11 players per team.

There are ambassadors who represent an organization or a group, if you ask “Name me an Indian cricketer” to any of the sane people among 1.2 billion heads in India, I bet you will have a common answer perhaps the most common answer and that will be “Sachin Tendulkar”.Indians considered, considers and certainly will consider CRICKET as their household person, to all the cricket maniacs and even to the person who never watches cricket; SACHIN TENDULKAR will be a known name.

Not only to the Indian cricket fans but also to any person who loves the game of cricket, the name TENDULKAR will be a well known name, be it Australian or a Pakistani. Tendulkar is a demigod in the cricket’s religion.

To speak about his achievements which will list like the Great Wall of China, we will find days are not enough, one of his recent milestone “100
th TON”, honestly speaking it is not so easy to score a single ton, even against a group of school guys, there are more ways to get us out of the pitch, when we have situations like this, “How can a man score 100 tons?” “Has anyone accomplished it?”

YES, an Indian named “Sachin Tendulkar has done it”, we can say with a pride.
Frankly, India is not great at any sport, even in Olympics we never made a big show, with a billion heads with us we never rocked; even in the game of Cricket we are not wonder kids.
Whatever it is and whatever game it is, there are some Indians who made us Proud by standing taller in the global field.

Days back, Sachin scored his 100
th 100, but India has lost that game to minnow nation (in cricket), believe me that never echoed in India, if you read the news or hear news, it was like “Sachin scored his 100th ton”. There were no sign for India’s humiliating loss against a minnow nation.
Know why? Or ask me why?
I will point my finger at two people, one is Media guys and another one is Sachin Tendulkar.

That’s the craze we have here for Sachin, he is a gentleman and note it only very few gentleman are left in the gentleman’s game (cricket), there are so many incidents to prove and quote his perfect, matured behaviors.
I am no great person to write about that or on his attitude, because his cricketing experience is more than that of my age. When I was born he was playing cricket, when I write this he is playing cricket.
Around 22 years or so, how can a man follow the same things without a lack of interest in it? While most of the players
who played with him are holding mikes and sticks, he has got a bat in his hand and still plays for country.

Forget the game and forget the country, just remember it “HOW TO DEVOTE OURSELVES”, Tendulkar is a standing example and a living legend, everyone has something to learn from him, to million youngsters like me, “He is still a Youngman when it comes for a fight and he is a strong man when it comes to chase our dream”.

PRODUCT LIFE CYCLE- have you ever heard it? Well, it is all bout ups and downs of a product in its life cycle from its inception to its end.
1) Introduction
2) Growth
3) Maturity
4) Decline

We can relate these to anyone and anything, but there is man who conveys us a message, He had an introduction stage, growth stage and maturity stage, but he certainly will not have a DECLINE stage. For 20 years and more, he managed to survive the tough path and still now he is following his dream.
Irrespective of our domain, we all must learn one crunchy thing from him, WHATEVER IT TAKES FOLLOW YOUR DREAM.

Now, we are in a conclusion part. “Cricket, a game played with 11 players per side”.
FINE, Let’s take Tendulkar as TEN (short form) and rest of the cricketers as “ELEVEN” (Assume).
TEN is Greater than ELEVEN? Agree or Disagree?

Alike the Media guys, I have to seize this opportunity and I must thank this TALL legend for making a billion people and we can say proudly THIS LEGEND WHO ACCOMPLISED COUNTLESS MILESTONE IS AN INDIAN and we can say to our future fellows, “I was alive when he played cricket.”

Loads Of Love !

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Happiness: Absolute or Relative Quotient?

Oh yes, I'm alive people :) and was once again absconding from this space for weeks :(... Many a reasons for the same but well I will leave that for a separate post.
As of now, I'm in quite a weird mood or shall I say pissed off with some generalist attitudes. The recent one being, hearing of negative sighs with a standard statement - "Arey yaar tera kismat bada aacha hai"!

Don't know if it’s the frequency of this statement in recent times or the negativity which it exudes even from so called close people which irritates me more but whatever it is, these days this sentence really gets on to my nerves! You meet someone, he/she asks you how life is going on, gives some happening updates of his or her life, insists again and again on knowing what’s up with you and then when you reply about the updates or latest developments in your life, you get to hear - "arey wah, great to know about these. Waise kuch bhi bol yaar, tera kismat bahut achcha hai. Tujhe yeh bhi mil jata hai aur woh bhi, tera hi life sahi hai". Well, normally such sentences do not bother me but then there are times when it does. Especially when you know the effort which you had put in or the difficulties you had to face to get those things and all you can see is the gloomy expression or the negative heave of sigh which the person leaves for you!

Well, not everything can be all about kismat or luck in life. And even if it is, then why this sigh for others? I mean you also have a happy life going on then why not be happy for others too? Why it diminishes when you hear about some positive updates in others lives? Will your life be happier if you focus on what you have or will it be happier when you come to know what others don't have? Why the evaluation of your life always has to be in comparison to someone else?

Now coming down to luck, I have no idea if any such thing exists in life. At least those who know me closely esp. since childhood know the kind of struggle which I have gone through in my life. Again I am not saying that I have had one of the most difficult lives ever but yes, I know that nothing has ever come to me easily and simply out of luck. Life has never ever been easy for me; I had my own share of unimaginable losses and unexpected mayhem. Those who know me very personally can actually vouch for that. But then I also know that if I have really-really tried for something in life I have got it; maybe not everything what I wanted and not at the time when I wanted but sooner or later and in some or other form it has come to me. I also know that rarely have I felt negative in life due to happiness or success or growth of others. This does not mean I did not have my own moments of frustration or depression, I'm no saint or some ultra optimistic person but such phases have been mainly due to my own problems and not because of happiness of others. Even in this super busy work life i do accommodate time to think about others; battling with the struggle of my own life which always keeps me busy enough. I’m too engrossed solving my own problems and thinking of bettering my own life still I mange to find out little time to think about my friends and dear ones.

Soumya !

Sunday, March 13, 2011

How many people throw their laptop or mobile against the wall?

Google it!

I have heard “Google it” to questions ranging from bus times to what is the scientific name of the brain. Now you might think that the answer is in fact brain. Well it’s not, to obtain the answer, Google it!

Many people have felt the pain of operating systems crashing, pro-grammes vanishing due to viruses that is unstoppable if you do not own a Mac Book, also many other reasons, like divorce, job loss, the death of a family member or even slow internet connection could cause a person to want to throw their device against a wall.

So just before I wanted to throw mine, I wanted to see in what statistic I would fall if I should. Well, as per the picture above you would see that the first 3 search entries does not answer my posed question.

Furthermore, I have decided not to do any of the sort, much to my Vista Operating System.
I figure that for those that did succumb to the agony, pain and frustration that they were unable to blog or tweet about it, for obvious reasons together with regret.

Don’t b troubled.....

In life there are many times, I’m sure everyone faces that they feel at any particular situation totally lost. It may be a problem related to work, friends, relationships, love, marriage, children, money and the list goes on. Everyone in their life span has definitely been in any one of the situations at least once and its quite normal. I mean what’s life if there were no such difficulties, life indeed would have been extremely boring. During all these situations there's action and reaction which makes us realise and even make our lives worth living.

So what is it all about? Suddenly you find yourself in trouble or in a messed up situation and we initially apply all our brains to make things right. But nothing works out and we start feeling that its the end of our life and nothing can be worse than what’s happening to us at that moment. We start losing it and forget everything that probably used to make us happy and make our lives more meaningful. And there are different reactions to the action of trouble or sorrow which has now taken total control over us.

Some could keep getting depressed, or start taking wrong decisions in life due to moments of hurt or even forget their own self and compromise to a situation which probably cannot give happiness to them. But since the sorrow or the hurt is in control we listen to what the situations forces us but not what our heart says. We lose our minds so much that we really don’t know who we should talk to or even ask for help.
If you trust any friend you have you are lucky and sharing makes all the difference but since your hurts and troubles are so deep that sometimes even your friendship seems unworthy as per you, than it used to be when things were perfect according to you. It’s just the type of mental state you finally have given yourself to, that nothing which gave you happiness matters anymore than the hurt and troubles, which in your lost state of mind are put in a pedestal higher than God. Troubles may come and it will definitely go but its the test you have to face as per your own actions (which were your choices) whose reactions should not let you fall apart but yes have patience. Yes its hard very hard but isn’t it worthy that you don’t compromise the way you are and the things which give you small happiness in life are restored back.

That’s what counts and the strength you show in times when you are falling apart or even lost, if you listen to your heart(listening will be very difficult as your heart doesn’t say the easy things to do you see) it'll show you the right path and all your problems which seem gigantic now will disappear and have no relevance. But what your reaction is matters a lot because that is what decides where you would be in future. Never give up but also never cling onto something in life which can never give you the happiness which you deserve or always wanted, so listen to what your heart has to say, close your eyes, pray and you will definitely find an answer. Take control of your life in prayer and petition present your request to God and don’t let the troubling situation overcome you but you overcome your happiness and life. That’s my prayer for all.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hold On You !!

Confusion abounds in life. We think career is life; work then upsets us. Then we turn to family. We know family is life. But when we look around, family is busy with their own things. We then feel offended. We get more confused.

We are in love; we are alone
We are blessed; we are cursed
All our life; we are confused.

PS:  =courtesy -  "Hold on You" - a song from Crazy Heart
=the movie is haunting me. some movies trouble you when you watch them; some after you watch them; this movie - during and after you watched it.

Stuff Happens!!

- Auto Rickshaw fellow takes a sudden u-turn over a road divider: How? Only Indian auto-wallahs can manage such maneuvers. 
- Policemen ignore all violations and focus on stopping two-wheeler guys to meet monthly targets: Police are supposed to be cost centre in charge of Law & Order. Trying to make them a profit centre results in such things.
-In Pune, power goes off at least ten times a day. Come summer, the hours without power are more than those with power: Progress in the IT city?*
 -Rajdeep questions media hype through his tweets: Sania Mirza's breakup was shown all day on IBN7.
- Shilpa's tea with royalty amongst top news at Pictures are added bonus.
Paramilitary force not trained enough and weren't prepared when Maoists attacked: Can our forces protect citizens?
Non-bailable warrant issued against Sajjan for 1984 case: 26 years gone and we are still unsure.
~ said by 
Donald Rumsfeld 
*both my flat and office have power back-up with 10 second downtime. Don't know if I should feel good or bad.

How To Be Alone !!!

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.

Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

P:S: If U r lonely u can feel the loneliness better..

Friday, December 10, 2010

Right To Life !

For the ad-nauseam-eth time - we think in generalities, but live in detail (Whitehead)

The details - Poor parents. Two Kids. No job. Daily labor. Perhaps begging. Hand to mouth. Days as they come. 

Given their circumstances, parents not sure if these two kids would survive. So, the mother gets pregnant again. As fate would have it, a kid dies. To offset, they have another two kids in some time. Now there are 4. As fate again would have it, all survive.

What would the parents do with these kids. Send them to school? 

To send a kid to the school - first, they need to have a place to stay; they need to be able to feed themselves and all kids. Here, remember, they have none.So, they send the kid to work or even beg. One mouth. Two hands. 

What are we going to do about this? 

Our progressive friends would thrash me if I thought differently. The kids need to stop working and go to schools, they would tell. And they would thrash me again if I asked, if they would live on water and air. Education is a fundamental right, haven't you heard, you fool?  But, Food, food? Thrash again.

Such it goes.

-If I had a wish, I would ask food for everyone, then education for everyone.
-To struggle, no one can escape. To live, everyone needs a chance.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Toffees for change? Take this sandal instead !

I always get peeved whenever the attendant at the cash counter offers toffees instead of change. I refuse to accept the toffee-currency and offered to pay them back in toffees. But Nana Patekar in the forthcoming release Tum Milo To Sahi does better, he offers a sandal.

I strongly support Nana Patekar & those who oppose in their endeavour against this illegal tender. The reasons:

- Neither the Parliament of India nor the Reserve Bank of India have designated toffees (of any denomination) as legal tender, therefore we are not legally bound to accept it and it is within our rights to reject any such form of pseudo-currency.

- The cost price of the toffee for the retailer is lesser than the MRP. Therefore, it means that every time a shopkeeper hands us a Re 1 toffee, he stands to make a profit of around 20 paisa (or whatever the margin is). Therefore it is in their interest to insist on toffees instead of change.

- For those who don't have much of a liking for toffees (or the brand of toffees that they offer) it is a lose-lose scenario.

- It is quite unlikely that the supermarket/shop would accept a payment made in toffees (or a sandal in Nana's case). If no take, then why give?

I agree that could be a genuine shortage of coins in the market, given that so many of them end up stored for years in piggy banks.

Well, here is a business idea, for anyone interested:

A virtual piggy bank. You go to a supermarket make purchases for Rs 99 and pay Rs 100 in cash. As usual, no change. But you don't have to settle for that unwanted toffee. Just take out your virtual piggy bank card and the attendant will swipe it to add the Re 1 to your virtual piggy bank account. So every time there's a shortage of change, the money gets added to your account. And one day when you have accumulated enough balance on your card you can redeem it.

If this doesn't sound very feasible, here's a simpler way out: Use your credit/debit card. But don't take that toffee (unless you want to).

Monday, February 1, 2010

Religious Connotations of Bridal Jewellery..

Here are the religious connotations of Bridal Jewellery:

Tika ' This is worn in the parting of the hair. It symbolizes that the bride must walk on the straight path.

Ear Rings- Ear rings signify that she should not have weak ears and listen to any gossip.

Nose Rings- The nose rings have the power to evoke powerful seductive charm. The nose ring should not be heavier than the nose. This indicates that the bride should not spend more than what her husband can afford.

Mangalsutra- This indicates the bonding and marital status of a woman. It also reminds of loyalty, commitment, understanding and mutual love.

Necklace- The necklace denotes that the bride's head should always be bowed in humility.

Bangles- The bangles remind her that her hands must always give charity.

Toe rings (Bichiyas) - Indicate the marital status and has a sexual/erotic effect when worn in the second toe

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Indianities Through T....

Gone are the days when wearing “I LOVE NY” tee was a common cool among the morning joggers ; I always thought it’s a foolish act. Still few pot bellied grey hairs / dumb heads feel proud to be a part of that utopian love affire with NY at the chaotic yet unique India (I generally ask them “If you love NY soooo much then why you are here yaar!) .Shame on you !!

The youth in India are now becoming confident to show off their roots. The confidence is getting smarter expressions through various means…Below are few T-shirt designs which shows how Indian youths are inclining towards Indianities ...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

They Need a Coin or they deserve the life we all live??

I went for shopping yesterday. Got some stuff for me. Came to “Deep” the Bengali hotel near ChatursinghiTemple. My Best friend Ashish also joined me for lunch. After lunch Ashish wanted to click a photo of both of us as we met almost after a years gap. We clicked few snaps there. We were standing while Ashish while Ashish had to finish his Gold flake Light (Cigarette) and remembering some old times.A small girl carrying a little kid came to us and started asking for money. I said her to move away. But she was like constantly beseeching us. She was pestering us like hell. I do believe very much in charity and also concern about the plight of poverty which forces these children to beg.

But sometimes we need to see the real picture. Its not only giving a Rupee coin and feel like we did our job.NOA big NO….I met with such situations many a times. But the two incidents I faced yesterday & day before yesterday, I thought of writing on this.

I ll write about the two incidents where in both the occasions I denied help to both oh them. And I didn’t feel inhuman not giving them money.

Day before yesterday I was coming from an ATM withdrawing some money. I was moving towards my bike. Someone from my back patted softly. I then saw two girls aged around 14-15yrs, one is dusky other one is bit fair. Both were wearing school uniforms. White shirt( tight) which they can flaunt their B**Bs, blue coloured skirt 5” above the knee which would better show off their thighs. Both the girls for no reason looking like school girls.

Here comes the observation. The dusky one showed me a paper & said something that I couldn’t hear properly. The paper was a photo copy one and something written help-village-people-poor. These are the words I just glimpsed that time. Then the girl said Sir, plz give Rs200.Also showed me a another paper written some names and 3 digit figures right side. I said sorry I cant help you. Then the girl pestered me till I reach my bike. She then started some seductive move, came close to my bike flowing her chest( I mean B**Bs). Yuck….who the hell these girls are. Who trained them these things. What would happen if they fall in the hands of two legged flesh eaters? I toned my voice louder and said F**K Off from here. And I kicked my bike back off from that place.

Do you think I did wrong denying them help?? Do you think the way they asked for help is right??? Dont you think they are well trained and controlled by some ring masters who took away all their earnings??? Think..

To elaborate the 1st incidence, we all must ve come across such situations. When we stop at traffic signals, Waiting to enter the theatre, out side the shopping mall, near the bus stop, railway stations , near the temples and some other crowded places we often she children aged 3yrs to 14-15 yrs run down to us to ask for money. Artificially blackened their face, tore clothes, some small girls carrying little kids aged 1-2 yrs. They came and constantly pester us. They ll continue touching your hand, foot until u give them a coin or louder ur voice. I never give them money coz I don’t believe giving them money will help them in any ways. The real fact behind this is the money these children earn goes to their ring masters. It’s the fact. You ask these children politely they will say ‘Aka le jata hai’. U ask what u get? Ans- ‘ Kana(Khana) deta hai’.

If you look at the statistics by the researchers around 25 million street children live in India which is the combined population of NY, Chicago, LA and Philadelphia. As per UNICEF report 47% street children under the age of 3 are malnourished and around 2,2 Million die before age of 5.

I denied them help but when I came back home, scratched my head hard. Thought about the situation. What can be done to help these downtrodden? Its not the Coin would help them. They need Education, roof to live, clothes to wear, food to eat. Indian Govt. and some NGOs are also working to help out these street children. We all can also help these these children to become like us. We cant give them all these necessities but we can inform these NGOs , Govt. organisations who are working for them. We can also inform them if we find these children are forced to do these. We can bring out these organised rings control these. We all can help all these street children and not being the silent watcher, being a contributor to this lovely country.

Lets join hands to help these street children who ve the potential to succeed, but are forced with dire odds to even survive. Time are tough around the world as we begin the new year. However my hope is the as we each think about our own personal intentions, we also remember the larger global community that is often struggling just to survive one more day!!!!!

Below are few details of the organisations work for the upliftment of Street Children. , , , ,

Ghar Ho Toh Aisa – 022-24143498 / 24155250

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Ten Minutes...

Ten Minutes .
Ten minutes. I have ten minutes before my new boss picks me up for lunch. I've had a mad morning of back-to-back meetings already. I have a mad rush of meetings after lunch also.

10 minutes for myself out of 480 waking minutes? The rest a flurry of pulsating relationships and a blur of demanding work.

You do the math.

In my last meeting, something very different happened. Someone asked me to draw three circles - one representing my work, one representing my relationships, and one representing myself. Guess which was smallest?

So my mantra now is: Expand the circle..

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I Have Made A Decision !!!

An important life-altering one. After years of indecision, I am taking the plunge. My life will change forever after this and so will the lives of people around me. And I'll never be the same again. I wanted to let you know that I've decided to start a TV channel.


Yeah, as I was saying. I have made this after a lot of thought. To prove to you, I'll put my business case in front of you. I've put this together for anyone else who's interested.


You'll need:

Saas-bahu serials. We won't say much about this. It has been done to death (at least done to the death of 4 main characters.). We'll leave you to decide how many of these soaps you want in your channel.

Laughter challenge-type shows. For this, you'll need 2-3 judges who have individual distinct styles of laughing, e.g.,

  • raise hands and laugh loudly (a la Siddhu - English spouting is optional. Really!) or
  • the 'now-it's-there-now-it's-not' grin that does not stretch your rictus enough to spoil your facelift (a la Shekhar Suman)
  • the 'I-am-going-to-laugh-but-look-menacing' laugh (Shatrughan Sinha)
  • the spanking new 'raise-your-fists-and-shake-them-in-the-air-so-that-the-contestant-does-not-know-if-you-are-laughing-at-his-joke-or-want-to-kill-him' laugh .. phew (Chunky Pandey)

Of course you don't have to stick to these. You can come up with your own ones. Mine is this: Judges to come up to the contestants after the performance and do a 'Nagin Dance' (snake dance). The score is the number of times the Nag/Nagin (errr....snake/snakess?) lunges. He he he.

Reality shows: This one's pretty new (like Ring-o-garlic Pizza), but catching on like nobody's business (again like the pizza). Ironically, with shows like 'Roadies,' 'Big Boss,' 'Splitsvilla,' NOTHING is 'nobody's business' anymore. Everything is televisable. Thank you, God for nosy people (and also for sending that cute one to my apartment building...).

OK. To business, little ones! For reality shows, you will need diversity in character, thusly categorized:

  • Two battling men/women (OK OK. I am totally lying and trying to be nice. Women! the bitchier the better): Prabjot and Anmol (Roadies), Rakhi and Kashmira (Big Boss), Bosky (?!!) and Prianca (Splitsvilla). They should not get along at all AND they should form groups. Sprinkle liberally with bad words. The good thing about this is that you get to have polls of random people on the road. Who do you think is right? Bosky or Prianca? This will up your TRPs coz it takes on a very Ramayanesque 'Who's side are you on?' theme.
  • The underling. More often that not, this guy/gal has to win. This is to prove the triumph of the weak over the mighty. (Ashutosh in Roadies, Rahul Roy in Big Boss). Thus reaffirming that when Mars finally invades us, we will be saved because of the good in our hearts.
  • The crybaby. Absolutely needed. If properly utilized, this golden goose will give you television copy worth episodes! A la Yamini in Splitsvilla. They will cry at the drop of a hat. And behold! Viewers want to know why they cry in the next episode. It is also great for the ads you make. For example, if you show 'Next week on Roadies.... a shot of Nihal crying...,', you have it! People will watch it..
  • The bully. Do I need to say anything more? Anmol in Roadies. Just read the reaction to her being voted out You'll know what I am talking about.

Talent shows: Also very new. Refer to dancing shows (Dance India Dance,Aaja Nachle, Sheher di kudiyaan VS. Gali de gunde, Aaja mahi ve), singing shows (Sa Re Ga Ma Pa, Indian Idol), or game shows (Dus ka dum, Khatron ke Khiladi... tera haseena, ek khila... sorry I got a little carried away) etc. Anyway, you get the point.

The good thing is that more than the contestants, these shows are a good place for the judges to either prove that they can do as well on TV or simply to kick some life into their dying careers. So, here are the talents that the JUDGES should have in your show.

  • The ability to laugh a lot, A LOT. You have to keep laughing... and smiling, and grinning. However!! Sometimes, you have to try NOT to laugh. For example, when entire families together try to don similar poshak and prance in front of you (Rock n Roll family)
  • You should know at least 137 ways of saying 'What you just did in front of me was good.'
  • You should have a house-full of enthusiasm. What I mean is not once should you pick up the mike and say 'Accha tha' or ' I liked it' or 'It was nice.' Instead, every time you pick up the mike, beam like a saint, and say 'Aapne to kamaal kar diya, sara stage hila diya.' or 'I have no words' or use the jhatka factor - say 'I am not pleased with your performance today.' Then wait for some time because there will be a drum sound and the camera will focus on the contestant's face for some time (for full impact).
  • This one's very important: You should have one trademark 'reward.' For example, when you pretend to be really touched, give the contestant a hundred rupee note, or get up and walk to the stage and give them a hug, or say a poem for them. The upside here is that you get to show off your designer dress or designer cleavage when you walk to the stage. It just doesn't do to judge from behind the table, does it, dahling? Also a tremendous opportunity for your ego if the contestant touches your feet (?!)

Celebrity talk shows: Simi Garewal, Karan Johar, and now Sajid Khan!Farah Khan too End of story. We rather liked it when celebrities cried on Garewal's show (sadists that we are), we grudgingly enjoyed the banter on Johar's. We want to throw something at Sajid Khan for his boring, artificial, made-up, plastic, pathetic attempt at a celebrity talk show.

We have grown up.....

If you have neither the time nor the inclination for the above detailed recipe, worry not. Chuck it all and go make a news channel, and one like India TV, at that. Here is everything you need to fill 24 hours then:

1) Get one of your reporters who is already on duty somewhere to find a stone that looks like Ganesha or Shiva or the Nag God. It's OK if the resemblance is not striking. Your graphics will distract the viewers.

2) Tape one of your reporters speaking in a weird voice. Pose images of aliens from ET, or Aliens Vs Predators. Then claim that aliens have made contact.

3) Every two days, proclaim that the world is going to end either because of Shani's 'prakop' (anger) or through a blackhole device that scientists in Russia have created.

(At this point, I'd like to repeat: You DO NOT NEED photographical evidence for any of this. Not even photoshop. Shoddily cut-paste heads and bodies. That's enough)

4) Claim that Salman and Katrina are already married for 7 years, or cut Abu Salem's head (chuckle) and paste it on Sanjay Dutt's body, team with Monica Bedi and play a romantic song in the background.

5) Say that our cows are being taken by aliens. (Hearken, ye cows of Saharanpur, and pay heed)

6) Follow the culinary habits of witches.

That's it, my kiddos, this is your beginner's guide for this career choice. More later.

Love until then. Muahhh! Soumya !!!!